Sunday, January 16, 2011

Day 16: I'm very out of sorts tonight.

At the midway part of our drive way, this fence ends. It serves as the separation between our driveway and the house next door's, and it used to have a white picket fence on our side of it that wrapped all the way around our side yard. However things change and now in place of the yard we have a driveway.

What really I think about when I see this fence end is a lilac tree that used to run up between the post here and the white picket fence that is no longer there as well.

Things change and people are no exception. God heaven forbid I know I've changed. And not all of those changes are for the better. I have low tolerance for children, and I agonize going to family parties. On the other hand, I'm a more tenacious student than I ever have been.

The lack of tolerance with children is....well I'm not really sure. The noise they generate, perhaps. Their whining even. Many children even nowadays are the most disprespectful lil' sots I have ever come across. I'm so oddly opposed to children in recent years that my desire to ever have them is diminishing. And I suppose that can change; then again, maybe it won't.

Patterns being changed bother me. I settle into a routine and my mind doesn't handle it well when things are no longer the same. Even as something as stupid as a MySpace profile being rearranged can set me off because it's no longer how I last left it. Even the order of Mass changing can make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I get irritated looking at a bed that isn't made. I hate my room being a mess, and classmates know that unless my desk is arranged the right way, I'll keep fidgeting with things 'til my mind is satisfied.

Family parties give me anxiety. Not my siblings, but my extended family. Aunts, uncles, cousins....I can't look forward to seeing them, and I can't figure out why. They're all very beautiful and outstandingly pleasant people, and I have nothing but fond memories and emotions concerning them, but in recent years I agonize over the decision to go family parties. Making matters worse in this regard is the notion that I'm distancing myself from them by not going to the parties. That they'll think I'm being rude, when it's not that at all.

My anal retentive desire for patterns and inability to socially relax in certain situations have cost me relationships and friendships. Too often I find myself in a position of discomfort or disagreement and I respond in an over assertive way pissing people off.

Not sure where I'm going with this blog today.

My idea for these aren't meant to follow any form or structure. Just to get ideas out of my head that I can look back on and read. Maybe so others can read them too and offer suggestions.

1 comment:

  1. I feel the same way about my family. Maybe everyone does? And I think the kid thing is just because we can't relate to children or people that have them as well as we might, and the distance grows ever greater the older we get and the longer we go without having them. It terrifies me that I very much want children but I also don't see how I will ever fit them into my routine.