Saturday, July 30, 2011

Day 211: I Can't Remember...

...the last time I found myself walking into a store with a few extra dollars in my pocket and the sole purpose of spending a bit of money on something other than bills/coffee/occasional spot of vittles. Hell, memory fails me when the last trip to the store was of my choosing versus tailing along with a friend or family member. Quite liberating really.

Now, don't misunderstand me, I've spent money on myself here and there, but for the past several months I've been looking at money as something that isn't mine. Money that I've been taking in is largely gone before it even touches my chubby lil' digits; sent to the man to avoid being roughed up by a guy saying something to the tune of, "you wanna dance, you gotta pay the band. You wanna borrow, you gotta pay the man. Gimme some money." Though if I could have a finger or three broken in exchange for paying back all my debts, I think I might opt for that.

Most of my frivolous expenditures have been on coffee and occasionally a bit of food. Even then, most of my leisure activities involving a few beers or some food have been largely at the mercy of the generosity of others. Perhaps a friend offers to pick up the tab, or my parents offer to throw me a few bones so I can have a meal outside of the house.

Really breaks me up a bit, when I have to level with people and say "sorry, I can't afford to hang out at the bar," or "you'd have to spot me a few without a certain time frame of when the favor can be returned." Cuts me up a bit more that they actually are willing to throw me a favor. Not that I think there is anything wrong with the gesture, but I've often felt more gracious a giver than a receiver. Appreciation isn't the problem, it's the slight emotional moment where I don't want to give an inappropriate "thank you" or fail to convey just how much the gesture meant to me.

So, in a way, this blog could serve as that "thank you." For those who actually read this, know that it weights heavily on my mind any kindness shown to me, because in most cases I don't feel worth it. Furthermore, a short while ago, I ran into a spot where I turned to a sister to borrow a few dollars to cover a bill (days prior to my first pay check) and shed several tears asking for the cash. She's not rolling in the dough by any means, but I didn't know where to turn at that moment in time.

Ah well.....tune in next time. Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel...

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