Thursday, September 27, 2012

I'm tired (I choose)...

Not sure what I wanted to title this blog. It's true that I'm tired, but of what really? Many things drain me, leaving me feeling devoid of energy and lacking the necessary will propel myself forward. I've tried fooling myself, before, by thinking that I'm existing in the present. While I definitely am existing in the present, I would say it's far from living, which is what a growing, maturing entity does when they are further up on the hierarchy of needs, as put down my Maslow. I move through day-by-day motions, spend time with my Special Lady Friend, and allow things to happen to me. Not wanting many of these things to happen to me, but, alas, I have no energy. 

Borrowing the quote, "you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one," I seek to express where I think I am (transitioning to "was") in life. My focus has been so intensely focused on the past couple years that I have been unable to see my current as anything but an extension of what had recently come to pass. It's simple to let it happen. I began to fear my own actions, thinking no matter what I did would end up being the wrong move. Inaction proved to be a harmful as well, seeing that my failure to act resulted in things biting me in the ass, things that could have been prevented.

I'm tired of looking in the past with so much disdain. I'm tired of wallowing in my damned, olympic sized pool of pity. I'm tired of having so much fear that my actions will result in failure. I'm tired of being...well...tired, physically and mentally.

Thirty-two years old, and I have the aches and pains of someone much older. God Heaven forbid I bring a child into this world in my state. I'd have a stroke before the kid reached the double digits. I can't even walk up the stairs to my girlfriend's apartment without feeling exhausted, albeit mildly. The general weakness contributes (I'm sure) to a weakened immune system, which adds to the overall malaise that typifies my day. And this is just the physical of which I complain. The mental weights are holding me down, which only exacerbates the whole situation.

Of course, it's almost a situation of which came first: the chicken or the egg. In this example, however, it's what came first: the physical sickness or the mental sickness? Not that it truly matters, at least not as far as I'm concerned. Changes have to be made, and the body isn't going to move itself without the mind. Now that I think about it, it is the mind's fault that I'm as far down as I've found myself now. By default, it's the mind's responsibility to move first in order to make any changes. I have to make the "choice" to move forward and keep my gaze that way as well. Start living rather than just existing. 

I choose to re-embrace meditation. So often, meditation has proven to calm me down and clarify my thoughts. Nearly everything should be meditated upon from here on out. That way, it'll be thinking of things several times over. Not to say I won't meditate just to relax. Sometimes just breathing and being aware of my own stillness is rejuvenating enough.

I choose to take a more proactive approach to my own health. In areas of food, I want to ingest better things, healthier things for me. I will be careful not to dwell on my lapses too much. This desire to avoid focusing on failures extends to physical exercise as well. My activity levels must increase if I want to live a great deal longer than I likely will if things remain unchanged. Too often I start a program only to abandon it, and while a "first step" is always necessary, so is a second step and beyond equally necessary.

I choose to begin living up to the quotes on my arm. I will start everyday off with a smile, and get it over with. I will - smaller steps at first - be the change I wish to see in the world. I will remember a beloved Seussism; "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is nobody alive that is youer than you." These words will help me find empowerment to make good on my earlier stated choices.

Drawing this to a close, I'll add that it's a return to positivity I desire. Not that I wholly want to ignore the bad, or forget, but I want to be free of the mental prison which I, and life, has constructed around me. I want to develop, to progress mentally, physically and spiritually. I want to become a person that feels worthy of his own love, and of the love given him by others.


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